When I was ill I couldn’t think. My body was so
malnourished that it didn’t have the energy: think of your body like a load of
switches (e.g. thinking / keeping warm / fertility)…as food declines these
switches become switched off one by one to preserve energy until you are left
simply breathing, so just about staying alive.
The only way I can describe not being able to think
is like when you are struggling over a really hard maths question and your
brain freezes… its like this only a thousand times worse. So because of this, I
couldn’t recover by thinking – I had to recover by feeling as that’s all I had
to go on. I had to learn (for the first time in my life) how to really tune in
to what I was feeling, and this meant acknowledging parts of me which I had
ignored and suppressed for so, so long. It sounds blind – it felt blind, but it
got me to where I am today.
Recovering from anorexia through years and years of
therapy and finally being happy does not mean happiness every day – I get as
angry / depressed /jealous / miserable as anybody… but I never ever suppress
what I am feeling any more, I acknowledge everything and know that all feelings
are ok. This means I have a fundamental assurance in myself and I am not afraid
of myself. I am not afraid of sadness /
anger / grief, horrid though they are, and this really is an incredible
reality.
I lived by feeling, I recovered by feeling, and I
make decisions by feeling… and trust me life is so much better this way. Don’t go
against everything you feel because of what your head is telling you… as soon
as you hear a ‘but’ that’s a sure sign your head is intervening. Always go by
what you really feel… what is right one day may be wrong another, but don’t live
one wrong day in the hope that two wrongs will eventually make a right. If you
always go with what you feel is right, then everything will always work I
promise.
You wouldn’t take put your jumper on if you felt hot
because you thought the sun was going to go in…wait until the sun has gone in
and then put it on.
Love and warmth
Anna-Katharina
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