Letting go and holding on... Happy New Year

A whole new year… fresh starts, new beginnings.

Everyone is full of making new year’s resolutions of the kind that will last a day, possibly two: diets / exercise regimes / cleaning rotas / spring cleaning aims… the list is endless. I don’t think I have ever made a new year’s resolution in my life… because I make them every day, or rather, I have made them every day. I have constantly wanted  to change myself, be something different, look different, act different.

But this year, I have made a new year’s resolution: to be me. I am 20 in just under three weeks’ time. I am done with living for other people, trying to fit other peoples ideals, trying to please people. I have spent the last six years journeying, battling, fighting to find myself. At my lowest moments the thing which kept me going was knowing that I was at the end of the journey. Once the battle had been fought, the me who had been so suppressed would be there, waiting.

We are always journeying, but that particular route has been travelled now. It is time for a new journey, a new road, a new direction: as me.

So this year, I am not only going to take hold of something new, I am also going to let go of something. I am going to let go of living how other people want, trying to be something and someone I’m not. And instead, I am going to live for me.

As me. And for me.

What are you going to let go of this year?

And what are you going to take hold of?

Lots of love, and a very HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all.

Anna-Katharina xxxx

Merry Christmas :)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS
NADOLIG LLAWEN

Lots of love to all, hope you've all had a wonderful day.

xxxxxxx

How to cope with Christmas

Many people ask me how to cope with Christmas. For someone with an eating disorder, Christmas is hell wrapped up in a day and secured with ribbon: food at every turn and a massive meal to try and fit in… an anorexic’s worst nightmare.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Believe it or not, Christmas is NOT about food. It is about a little boy being born into the world as a saviour, and as such, it is about family, it is about sharing, it is about love. You are not going to be living with an eating disorder for the rest of your life, but you are going to have Christmas for the rest of your life. So DON’T make Christmas anorexic/bulimic etc.

Instead, accept that while you’re ill, you are going to have to change Christmas a bit. The most important thing is that you are relaxed and happy and this is not going to happen if you are filled with guilt about the food you’re eating. So, just while you are ill, arrange with those you are sharing Christmas with to have what feels ok for you, even if it is exactly the same as you have on a normal day. This way, you will feel relaxed and will be able to focus on and enjoy the true values of Christmas: sharing, love, family and Christianity. For example, when I was ill, I couldn’t cope with eating at odd times, and so instead of a late lunch, my family changed it so we had our Christmas meal at the time I would normally have my dinner, and I didn’t have to have all the trimmings, so again, I could mentally cope with the meal. This year, everything is back to normal meal wise, how it always used to be, it is only the church, presents and people who have remained the same, and always will.

Don’t forget what Christmas is about. Desocciate from food, and instead think of it as a chance to see who you are, what your values are, and what you want to be with you for the rest of your life. I want to bet the answers are friends and family, not your eating disorder.

All my love, a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year J

Anna-Katharina xxxxxxxx

That wonderful moment when...

I had a wonderful moment today when a realisation formed itself into words...

the realisation that your life is your own.

Now this may sound like I'm being ridiculous, that I am stating the obvious, but think about it. How often each day do you think 'I should be doing this' / 'I can't do that because...' / 'I wish that...'
We think these things because we all have the tendency to model our lives on other people, and the wants of other people, and the dreams other people (family for example) have for us.

But instead of thinking, ''what do they want...'' , think, ''what do I want?'' In your heart of hearts how do you want your life to be? Its yours,no-one elses. You can do with it EXACTLY what YOU choose. Don't waste time copying someone else or trying to design your hair / looks / lifestyle on someone else. Your life is yours.

Feel the freedom, release, and go.

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina xxxxx

Life... Live it.

I went to the doctors today in order to get a repeat prescription of a medical extra nutritional supplement I have been on since the early days of the anorexia. It was a Doctor I hadn't seen before as I have recently moved surgeries. Rather than just signing the repeat presecription form I had brough with me from my previous doctor, he called me in to his room and made me take a seat. After a few questions he looked at me and simply said:

''You're well now. You don't need medicines any more. Go, eat protein and get out of here. You have a life to lead!''

For so, so long the anorexia has been a part of me. Even since being discharged and announced well, part of me still didn't believe it. Some of us continue to cling on to something that does us damage simply because its what we are used to, what gives us regularity and confidence, what is famIiliar.

But if this thing that you are clinging on to is at all damaging, or at all not normal or unhealthy, ask yourself ';'what is it giving me? What am I gaining from this?' whether it is a stagnant relationship, an eating disorder, or a hair style, question it. If it is holding you back, or restricting you at all, make the mental decision to get rid of it. It IS NOT YOU.  You are not what you cling on to.

It is Doctor's advice: ''Get out of here, you have a life to lead''

Go and Live it xxxxxxx

TWITTER!!

Follow me on Twitter!! @AnnaKatharina17

xxxxxxx

When you feel like giving up...

When I was at my absolute lowest, I was too scared to go to bed because I didn’t want to wake up and begin everything again. I was on the floor of my bedroom screaming in absolute terror. Everything was black, and I didn’t want to even open my eyes because I was scared to look at my reality. It would have been easier to give up.

 But then I opened my eyes and caught sight of a ‘la senza’ label sticking out of my pjamas on the floor. In that moment, I saw I had something worth fighting for. Somewhere in me was a fashionable girl with  a wonderful family and the potential for so much. There was something there to fight for. And because I could visualise the bear bones of the potential I had, I determined there and then to not turn away from life, but to turn to life. Somehow, I would get through everything the anorexia had thrown at me, I would somehow learn to eat again, somehow carry on. I had to make that mental decision to get well before any food was going to enter my stomach.

 When life gets tough, remember you have everything to live for. But only YOU can get yourself out of the rut. Only when you mentally switch around will you be able to deal with the issues facing you. Depression, guilt and worry will NOT going to help you solve the situation. You're not being a bad person if you become cheerful and optimistic about the situation. Refuse to let whatever it is get you depressed, and make the decisionto deal with it. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel despair. You should. You should feel your emotions; feel them, but don't be murdered by them. Acknowledge them, feel them, cry and cry and scream and scream. Then let go. Pain won't kill you, but depression may. Pain is there to be felt, and only by feeling can you heal. Depression won't help you feel or move on. 

Every day, no matter how black, how impossible, how dark m life felt, I was still breathing. And as long as you have breath, you have life. and you have the possibility to heal.

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina

RADIO PODCAST

RADIO PODCAST TO LISTEN: 
The programme 17/11/11 - about 1:22:00 (just before half way through)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p005xcn8

RADIO!!!

Just to let you all know I am going to be live on BBC Radio Devon tomorrow at 1.15pm-2pm.
The subject is anorexia and bullying... do tune in!!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00lgdr2
xxx

Am I Fat?

Being a blog about life after anorexia, or even life in general, you may be suprised that I have not yet mentioned weight / food / calories. It is true that anorexia is NOT about the weight or the food... is about much deeper of underlying insecurites, traumas and unhappiness. But we can't pretend its not involved, because it is. Weight and food obsessions are symptoms of the greater underlying causes.

So what to do when you're having a ''fat day''...

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself whether you are really twice the size you were yesterday... when it comes to weight being and feeling are very different things. Once you have established that you haven't grown into an elephant overnight, do some physical checks... are you on or about to have your period? have you eaten something that doesn't agree with you? are you feeling ill? All these things can make you feel as well as be physically bloated. If any of these are applicable I suggest a bath, hot water bottle, warm drink and lots of TLC!! If you still haven't found the answer, probe a little deeper... are you unhappy? Have you received some bad news? Have you been bullied? If you are feeling insecure or rubbish about yourself, it is easy, especially for girls, to instantly feel huge as it can be associated in our society-influenced minds with ugliness.

If you discover that you are feeling awful about yourself its time for a little bit of self love... you are ok, you do deserve to care for yourself, people do love you, and you are just having a bad day. Treat yourself to something, buy yourself a little treat, have a bath, listen to some nice music, call someone you know and love... all these things can make you feel better instantly and deflate the balloon you think you've become.

As a basis for all of this, if you find yourself constantly feeling fat I would take some physical action. Find out how much you weigh and whether this is healthy for a person of your gender and height. If it is healthy,carry on what you're doing and refer to the above. If its not healthy, seek some support. Go to the local nurse or pharmacist and ask for some advice. Whether its eating more, eating less, exercising more or exercising less, they are always happy to help.

If you know you are healthy you can always reason yourself out of the ''I'm fat'' belief and find out what the real matter is... so making you a much happier, confident and secure person. Another technique I find very helpful is getting to know yourself. If you know there is a certain way of looking at your body which makes you see yourself as fat, then avoid it on a bad day!! Find a way of looking at your body which you always like, and which, for you, shows you you are healthy and ok. On a bad day, only look at yourself in this angle... it will reassure you.

For example, on a ''fat day'', front on I think I look like a hot air balloon... but side on I know I'm Anna, I'm healthy, I'm ok... just bloated and grumpy.

Hope this helps!!

Love and warmth

Anna-Katharina xxx

Triggers

There are all sort of things that we come across every day that can trigger things from the past - a date of an anniversary, a particular spot where you met or lost a loved one, a smell that reminds you of a particular day in your childhood... and some of these triggers can be extremely uncomfortable.

Yesterday, I was cooked for by someone else, and the meal was far bigger than I was used to. I felt really full and bloated. Suddenly, the anorexia seemed to come flooding back and I was filled with a dreadful fear and guilt; I couldn't rest, I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I was terrified I'd wake up huge and worthless.

But I took a deep breath. I was not suffering from anorexia any more, being full did not mean I was worthless. This was simply a trigger, a reminder; it didn't mean what my mind was telling me it meant. A few frantic phonecalls to close friends later, and a small pep talk to myself I had calmed down.

There are some occurrences in every day life which will cause past traumas to resurface, past hurts to cause pain. But each time we do we just have to acknowledge them, feel them, and let them go. Don't be afraid of them, you've been there before, you are equipped to deal with them this time. Call on those you love and trust to help you, to support you and to be there. You don't have to do it alone.

Always remember who you are, where you've come from, where you're going, and who you've got going with you.

Love and warmth, xxxxxx

It will pass....

I'm sitting here, knowing it is time I wrote something here, but unsure what to say. Having gone out last night I am feeling tired, slightly sick still and unproductive. I am getting annoyed with myself for not using my morning to get things done, and in turn I am feeling guilty. 

But it will pass. I remember a very specific occasion with my therapist one day last year. I was in a bad place, extremely frightened and worried, in intense grief. I remember getting frustrated and angry that nothing she was saying was helping, and when this came across to her she stopped what she was saying, looked at me deep into the eyes and said, 'Always remember, it will pass.' Like medicine, these words calmed me instantly. 

Sometimes when things are bad and we are feeling rough, sad, bereaved or angry, we can be all too quick to blame ourselves, to hate the position we are in, to feel guilty or angry... and so making ourselves feel worse. Instead of questioning how bad you are feeling, instead of blaming yourself or trying to do something about it, just try going with it. Accept and acknowledge that you are feeling awful, but know that it will pass. Look after yourself, don't panic, don't be frightened of yourself. Just take a deep breath, and go with it.

Nothing stays the same, things always change. You may be sad/angry/guilty/tired/ill... but it will pass. All you need to do is to look after yourself, and hold on until it does pass.

Because it will.

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina xxxx

Another little quote...

As you have probably all caught on to by now I am a bit of a quote fanatic!! Sometimes, however, we need someone else to give us a little push, something to keep us going. and sometimes, that someone is not always there. It is at times like these when we could do with just something little to keep us going, a kinder egg perhaps with the little gift inside, or something a little more meditative... or both!! (both is the best - contemplate on the thought while munching on chocolate... ALWAYs helps!!
So here is another one of my favorites... grab some chocolate, get comfy and get dreaming :)

''It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are''

What are you afraid of? What part of you are afraid to become? Take a deep breath, and knock down those barriers of fear. They are only barriers - they look like stone, they feel like rock, but they will fall over if you push them.

So if you've always wanted blonde hair but have always been a brunette... but are afraid of the ridicule...go buy that hair dye!! (only get the temporary colour in case you don't like it!!)

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharin xxxx

Our greatest fear

This quote is one that has got me through many a hard time, and so I thought it could do the same for you too. Read it, share it, or just reflect upon it.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Love Anna-Katharina xxx

A matter of twigs...

A while ago, in the earlier days of our relationship, my boyfriend and I were in Tescos and he mentioned that he wanted to buy me some flowers.

He what???  

A completely normal, loving, traditional thing to do and yet I could not even comprehend the idea. I asked him to get me twigs instead… a nice clump of willow to go in the corner of my room. I could see the hope of there being even a trace of normality in his girlfriend fading fast in his eyes. No flowers, just twigs. At this, to his credit, he did put his foot down and we compromised that he would give me some time to get used to the idea before he presented me with even a daisy (we were going to start small!!)

This little episode disturbed me more than I let on to him at the time. Why couldn’t I, possibly the most feminine girl around, even comprehend the idea of being bought flowers? Because I didn’t feel worthy enough. I didn’t feel like I was beautiful, lovely, or worth enough to bought flowers.

I took it step at a time. Firstly, I bought myself a vase and got used to it sitting on my desk. Then gradually I allowed myself to visualise some simple pink flowers in the vase, to match my room. Then, after a few weeks, Tom did indeed give me some flowers. I religiously followed the care instructions on the label and miraculously kept them alive for a week… and whats more, I loved them. They made my room complete. And every time I looked at them, they reminded me that I was worth flowers, I was worth some beauty. I was a feminine female.

This may seem like a ridiculous tale, but it is tragically all true! Some of us do stuggle to feel worth something, some of us won’t let anyone do anything for us. But the truth of it is, we are all worth it. You don’t have to pass any test to be loved,; you just have to be prepared to accept that love and believe that you deserve it.

Start of small with the empty vase, then visualise what it would be like to have it filled. Then feel it for real. And it may just beat the twigs you would originally have opted for.

Love and warmth,

xxxxxxx 

Chocolate Cookie

Chocolate. Cookery. Emotional cure for any and every female predicament/trauma/broken nail/...the list is endless. Put these two luxuries with a wonderful (girl)friend and you have perfection.

Yesterday I was having a regular, emotional 'I'm miserable and need all the love in the world' day and one of my closest friends, on receiving the SOS text turned up in the cold and dark bearing smiles, a hug, chocolate cookies and gossip.In 30 seconds my life suddenly couldn't have been better. It goes without saying that she is an angel.

It is all too easy in the world we live in to become materialistically obsessed and reliant - and I am hardly one to speak... I would rather live of baked beans and be able to get the Ted Baker dress rather than eat well and wear jeans... but my point is however many bargains you managed to grab, dont let the things that matter slip away. yes you could see a chocolate cookie as a material object but its not. trust me. (because its chocolate!!) 

...but maybe sometimes, when you are reaching for an emotional spend, an emotional splurge - grab the friend, gossip and chocolate instead. because the fix isn't just instant. it lasts forever.

and always remember... when revision or emotions are involved... calories dont count. 

xxxxxx

A little thought...

Just a little thought to share with you...

''Letting go doesn't mean giving up...It means moving on''

We all have something we need to let go of, a past hurt, a grudge, a bereavement, a hang up... and if you don't think you do monitor yourself. Next time you are tense or angry...ask yourself why. Chances are you are clinging on to something which is continuing to hurt you.

Take a deep breath, and consider letting go. It doesn't mean forgetting it, it just means releasing the pain it is causing you and leaving the hurt behind.
xxxxx

Treat yourself as you would treat a best friend

In the middle of last week I reached a stress level higher than Mount Everest…tears streaming, heart racing, panic setting in, food feeling like a death warrant… nothing could have been worse…and yet, there was absolutely nothing wrong with my life. In fact, my life couldn’t be or have been better. I am settled into second year, the best boyfriend in the world, the best friends any girl could ever ask for, settled in a city I consider to be the most wonderful in the world… why then was I so desperately unhappy? Why did I just want to curl up into a ball and cry and cry?

During a therapeutic phone call to my dad, a man with mystical calming powers, I sensed a long pause before he announced to me, ‘’You need to learn to watch TV’’. Not something said by many to many, but something all my friends and my boyfriend in particular would second. That same day I happened to flick open a book I had used during the anorexia of little quotes that helped me through, and the one the page fell open on was, ‘’treat yourself as you would treat your best friend’’.

‘’treat yourself as you would your best friend’’

What if I did? If I did, I wouldn’t beat myself up after every extra piece of chocolate, I wouldn’t tell myself I was a failure if I hadn’t done as much work as other people, I wouldn’t feel guilty for sitting down and relaxing for five minutes, I wouldn’t bully myself to the point of mentally self-destroying myself every time I felt I could have done something better.

If I treated myself as I would treat a best friend I would wake up every morning and be glad to see the reflection looking back at me in the mirror, I would forgive not destroy myself, I would allow myself to relax for more than two minutes, I would support myself instead of constantly criticise who I was.

And the result? A happier, relaxed me who wouldn’t wake up and feel like she’d signed her own prison sentence by oversleeping for five minutes. Maybe if we all treated ourselves as we would treat our best friends there would be more pride in what we did, a greater willingness to share what we have to share, a more relaxed and happy world, less centred on what we would change about ourselves, and instead more focused on what we should celebrate and keep the same and cherish.

Maybe. 

BLOG IS BACK!!!

So sorry for the long delay since the last blog... I am now delighted to say it is all back and running and there will be regular blog posts so keep following!!

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina

Are you in a loss as to how to help a friend with an eating disorder?

Many of you may be in contact with someone suffering with an eating disorder, and if you aren't right now, you may be in the future. I am often asked for advice as to how to help them, and am more than happy always to advise. I gave the following advice today, and I believe it may be of some help.

If your friend is suffering, and is receiving professional help what you have to remember is that there is a really deep, underlying issue that is the reason for her illness. Hard and wierd though this may seem, the best thing for you to do is not to asddress or discuss food. She will only be able to eat when she is happy and healed in her mind, emotionally. What you can try and do is come from her angle. Tell her you know she is really unhappy, ask her if she can try and describe to you how she is feeling, what she is worried about and what scares her. When people are suffering with anorexia its all too easy for friends, family and carers to take a strict, authoratative role and tell them what to do, its all too easy to see the sufferer as a stubborn person causing trouble and being difficult. They're not. They're very hurt, very distressed, frightened, bewldered and deeply sad. By the sounds of it you're one of the last people she still trusts and the key is for you both to mainitain that trust. When you're with her, see her and treat her like she is: your best friend who is hurt. Don't treat her or act around her any differrently now she is ill to before. This is key to her recovery. See her and treat her for the friend and who she is. She is being consumed by an illness she doesn't understand. You need to remind her that the girl she is is still there.


It is a long fight for everybody. But it is a fight with a victorious outcome... if that is what you ALL choose.


Love and warmth,


Anna - Katharina xxx

Never perfect

Firstly, I am REALLY sorry there have been no posts for a while… I contracted campylobacter (severe African food poisoning) whilst in Zanzibar and so was ill with that and then moved back to uni… none of which are justifiable excuses but I’m back now!!

The amount of friends and friends of friends who have come to me feeling fat / ugly / worthless / beneath someone’s league / jealous of other girls’ looks… is probably now into triple figures. One friend in particular, on one occasion when loads of pictures were being taken, refused to look at the camera and in every photo was shot with her hair over her face. I used to be the same. I used to think I was so worthless that I was below everyone else. I used to look in the mirror and repulse. I believed the very curves of my female body were the reason I was a waste of space.

But now? Now, when I look into the mirror, I actually like the person who looks back… actually, I love her. I look in the mirror and I see the little girl who hurt when her brother died, the little girl who believed starvation would bring her happiness, the little girl who cried out for love when the world was black.

Each one of you who have ever criticised yourself has a little girl or boy inside of you who is hurting.  You were born into the world as a tiny baby, no different to any other child. You were perfect, just like every other baby. As you grew up and took in the world around you, you started to compare, to criticise and to hurt that small child, telling her or him that they should be thinner, more beautiful, fitter, cleverer… and like any person who is criticized, they hurt. And the more they hurt, and the more they cried inside of you, the more critical you became because you sensed something wasn’t right.

I have news for all of you. You are the person who is with you life long. You are the person who was there with you when you were born, and will be with you when you die. People will come in and ouf of your life, but you are the only one who is there for the whole of it. So long as you are breathing, you have yourself. Imagine living with a flat mate who you couldn’t stand, who bullied and tormented you. You’d move out, right? Don’t make yourself live in torment from your own judgement. You are perfect, every single one of you. People are truly happy when they live with someone they love; when they love, and are loved in return. If you want to be happy, you need to start with yourself. If you hate yourself you are going to be unhappy life long. There may be parts of yourself you don’t like – my nose looks like a broken eagle’s (!) and as for my belly button… don’t even go there!! But you can STILL love the bits you hate because it’s all part of you.

The day you wake up and are happy in your own company, happy being you, that is the day you will enjoy the day. Start by thinking of that little girl or boy inside of you who is hurting, start by looking after them. They need you to tell them they’re ok.  Have a picture of you when you were a small baby by your bed. When you wake up in the morning, and when you go to bed at night, remember that little baby is still there in you, and is in desperate need of love.

Kenya!!

Having got over the major dilemna of the morning... no pink nail varnish for toes to match the fingers, i have consoled with orange toes and pink fingers and am now heading off for a two week 'trip of a lifetime' to Kenya and Zanzibar.
Expect to hear from me again around the 21st Aug!!
with love and warmth,
Anna Katharina

A prized possession

‘Take care of yourself’. A phrase so often passed between us, a phrase that I’m sure is often appreciated and dismissed, not even thought about. But what if we did actually stop to consider this request? What if we stopped to realise the significance of this? Would we feel any differently about ourselves?

For someone to ask us to take care of ourselves, they have to love us in such a way that they care for our wellbeing – it matters to them how we are. Think of it as a prized possession they are entrusting to our care, they love it so dearly that not only are they trusting their precious thing to you but they are also showing you how much they love you.

So if they think you’re worth taking care of, believe it yourself. And look after yourself. They think you deserve it, and so you should. 

The Blackberry... a real addiction

On my way to town this morning for a beauty treatment and some me time mooching around the shops by the river, I got half way and realised I had forgotten my phone. My faithful blackberry was not with me. I was consumed with panic, I was alone. Totally alone. I say I had planned some me time… what I probably should have said was ‘me and my blackberry’ time.  I had no time to go back for it, I had to continue…alone.

On the radio yesterday there was a news bulletin about the number of people apparently addicted to their mobile phones, and after my terrifying realisation this morning, there is certainly no denying it. But what is it about our phones that mean we cannot be without them?

I am certainly not addicted to the phone itself – it makes annoying noises (specifically chosen so I know the ringing is mine), and the keys are too small for any human to use. So what was it that went through my mind this morning in the moment of shock when I realised I had left it behind? There was nothing to save me from awkward moments when we all opt to pretend to text or suddenly have an urgent phonecall we must attend to, if my appointment time was changed there would be no way of knowing, and what if a member of my family picked it up and browsed my messages and pictures?! Shock horror!!

But the thing that got to me most was that if someone wanted to get hold of me, or simply chat to me, they couldn’t. If I wanted to get in touch with someone, I couldn’t. So is this what we are all afraid of? Being alone? Being isolated and cut off from our friends and family? I have always been one for ‘me time’ and I am quite happy in my own company, but ‘me time’ without my blackberry? Another matter altogether!! Is it the physical confirmation that we have people who talk to us, that want to communicate with us that makes us so attached to our phones?

It is a natural human instinct to want to be with and in touch with others. Rarely do you find a human living completely isolated from society, and completely alone, and it is very sad if we do. So I don’t think we should criticise or question our addiction to our phones for the love of communication; it is necessary for survival. What I do think we should question is our fear of being on our own. Once I had relaxed into the fact that my phone and I were going to spend the morning apart, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was nice not to feel obliged to be a call centre. It was nice to really recognise what I was feeling, what I was doing, and how I was interacting with those around me.

It is ok to be on your own. You don’t need constant reassurance of who you are and the fact that people love you. You are loved and appreciated; the fact that you have contacts on your phone proves this. People always care. So take the time to trust this; trust the support network you have around you, and learn what it feels like just to be you.

Take the leap, leave your phone behind and go out on your own. You’ll be ok. Your phone and your friends will still be waiting for you when you get back. Mine was… on the kitchen table, exactly where I had left it. 

Boys and shells

A little boy of about 3 years old approached me today as I was sitting on the beach. He was holding out something in his hand to me and talking animatedly. Realising he was eager to tell or show me something I held out my hand thinking he wanted to give to me whatever it was he was showing me. It was a small shell, very beautiful and with intricate detail. He chatted away to me with so much eagerness, desperate for me to admire and praise him for the find. I reached out to touch it in my appreciation, but he would not let go of it. He proceeded to walk happily away and show it to someone else, clutching it to his chest in between each admirer.

This child, barely the height of my knee, reflected something very precious. He had something beautiful to be admired, and he wanted to share this with everyone. But he did not give it away; he did not expose himself to theft, nor put himself in a vulnerable position. Yet he shared the beauty. We are often terrified of being hurt, we are terrified of being intimidated, and so we do not reach out to others. We build up walls around us to protect us, and as a result, we do not reach those we could.

But we can, and we don’t have to get hurt. We can all share what we have with others without being exploited, damaged or used. We don’t have to be hurt. If we keep hold of who we are: our belief systems, our self-respect, our self-love, just as the little boy kept hold of his shell, we can offer ourselves: our beauty and our knowledge, to help others and reach out to them. Without being hurt.

Make sure you know who you are. Be firm in what you believe in, be firm in your respect of yourself; keep all this close. And then reach out. Extend your boundaries, compliment a stranger, approach someone you find intimidating, pick up a child who has fallen over, and welcome those who are crying with open arms.

The world needs to see your beauty. And it doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to get hurt.  

A tiny child came up to me, a strange young woman, because he wanted to share the beauty of his shell. Be like that small child. Be fearless and reach out to others to share what you can offer. It doesn’t mean you will lose yourself.  

with love and warmth, anna-katharina

Hungry, Starving

A little while ago one of my closest friends  said to me, ‘You know Ann’, when I first met you I thought you were really quiet and moody. I’ve just realised that will have been the time when you were getting over the bad break up, now  I know you I know you’re one of the bubbliest, craziest people around!

Standing posing for a photograph a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend looked like he was wincing and with one lazy arm. Had you gone up close you will have seen a major sling contraption hidden behind him, pull his T’shirt to one side and you will have seen a bandage covering a wound which can only be described as creditable to a WW2 wound.

What is my point? My point is that by looking at someone ,  you can never ever judge  what you see; you never know the full story. Today the Daily Mail caught my eye as ‘ANOREXIA’ was blaring loudly from the front page. As I read the article it entitled, my anger turned to burning fury. According to the article, the rise in the number of young girls being diagnosed with eating disorders, particularly anorexia, is due to girls being more and more conscious of their figure in a skinny orientated society.

I want to make it clear now that THIS. IS. RUBBISH. What four year old wants to attract a boy and have a flatter stomach than her friends?! What four year old takes this to the extent that she will become terrified of food and be consumed with guilt after eating half an apple?! No four year old that’s whom. I know of NO eating disorder case in which the sufferer is purely striving to look like what she sees in the magazine. Rather, the sufferers are deeply unhappy and emotionally traumatised. They are looking to the ideals shown around them to try and obtain some sort of happiness and break from their pain. They copy parent behaviour in an effort to please or get attention.

A four year old child with anorexia is not image conscious.  She crying for security, happiness, comfort, attention, ease from her pain, explanation, control, regularity. And in the majority of cases, she wants to be loved.

I looked like I was stick thin and craving to look like the models. But rather, I was in pain: I had lost my brother, I had been bullied for 14 years, my emotional development was not complete. I once visited a girl in hospital who had not eaten for 7 weeks. She had been abused and neglected all through her childhood. She was forgotten, in pain, and thought she was disgusting. She thought she was a mistake.

Do not judge an eating disorder by what you see. These sufferers, male and female alike, re exactly that: suffers. Not model striving attention seekers. These perceptions have GOT TO BE CHANGED.

Please, please, if you do nothing else, advertise this blog to at least one of your friends. Tell someone the truth and help me to beat this, once and for all. 

A little Lady Gaga

A little Lady Gaga…

I probably like most other people, thought for a long time that Lady Gaga was simply a moderately insane artist, gifted at music but lacking in worldy earthliness. However, whilst reading my precious monthly edition of Glamour, I came across a quote from her. It read:

‘Don’t let anyone dim your light because it is too bright. Tell them to get sunglasses’.

                In that one moment my estimation of the woman rocketed, she really knows what she is talking about.

Don’t be afraid of being who you are because you are afraid of being too different, too loud, too weird, too confident. You cannot be. If you spend your entire life trying to be like the people around you you’ll never ever be satisfied. In order to be like everyone else you will have to change yourself because you are not everyone else. As a result, you wont be who you really are and so your friends might not be the people the relationships with whom will be the most fulfilling for you, the clothes you wear may not be the ones which are specifically suited to you, you as a unique individual will not be seen.

I don’t mean dance up the high street in a meat dress, unless you have run out of cotton or fancy a snack. I mean be you. If you don’t like the hoody everyone else is wearing don’t wear it. If you are can’t stand the popular milk chocolate but would rather a bar of the 90% stuff, you eat the 90% stuff. Do you want people to know you as you or one of many?

You were born an original, don’t die a copy. Don’t be afraid to be who you are, because that is the person everyone else wants to know. After all, ‘they’ are ‘everyone else’, so that position is already been taken. The position as you, however, is still available, and only you can fill it.

 with love and warmth, Anna Katharina

Lost in the clouds

Yesterday my boyfriend and I decided to go and climb Moel Famau in North Wales. Being I, the daughter of a professor in geography, and he a student of geology, one would have thought a hill such as Moel  famau, with a car park at the bottom and sign posted routes up and down, shouldn’t present too much of a challenge. I ask you to think again.

We achieved the climb within no time at all, but were not rewarded with a view due to the dense cloud cover which had become thicker. There was something magical about standing at the top, surrounded by cloud with nothing to be seen except one another, the monument and cloud. The magic for me came in knowing how much there was around us, how much beauty, and how much extent to the horizon; and yet we were enveloped in such thick cloud nothing was to be seen. There was a silence as well. Not a complete silence, for we could hear the cloud and the mist whistling around the peak; yet nothing else was to be heard. We knew not north, nor south. We could not tell the direction we had come from, nor the direction down. But we knew the path was there.

Walking into the cloud, we laughed as we heard voices around us; other walkers also exploring through the mist. As we walked, a style would appear in front of us, then a sign post, then a turn in the path. At a turning point where there were two paths we realised we had no idea which way we should be going. We did not know where to go, we could not see where we were in relation to where we should be and the GPS on my phone told us that it ‘could not find location’. We were lost. Laughing, we picked a path and set off.  As we walked, the cloud wrapped around us; sometimes allowing us to see a couple of metres in front, sometimes barely a foot and yet without fail, signs would appear, styles would emerge, the path would widen. By the time we eventually found the car again several hours later, the cloud had lifted, we could see around us, we could see where we had come from, and where we were driving to.  

During the 6 years I was ill, there were times when I could not see. When I was so emotionally stuck and in so much pain I did not know what to do. I didn’t know where to go, I didn’t know how to get to where I wanted to be. I couldn’t see where I wanted to be, I could visualise it in my head, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see how to get all the way there. But what I could see every time, was a very small thing which could make a little bit of difference. A piece of dairy milk to taste, 5 minutes to cut off the obsessive morning power walk, one more traumatic memory to relive and work through. And with every small step I took, the next step would suddenly become visible when it hadn’t before. And then the next, and then the next. Until finally, I am living the dream I had but could not see.

Life is sometimes black. Sometimes we feel lost, we cannot see the way forward, only the way we have come. And every time it is so tempting to take that route we have just travelled because it is the only one we know and the only one we can see. We are scared of the way forward because we do not know it and we cannot see it. But turning round will never get you to where you want to go. Always take that step forwards, because even if it is not visible now, the way will emerge. The cloud will lift, and life will become light again.

Never give up, never turn around. Even if you feel like you are blind and the world is black. I didn’t know what the future held, I didn’t know how to recover. But I didn’t want more starvation. I didn’t want more black. So one step every day brought me slowly out of the clouds. And I did reach what I was aiming for.

However thick the cloud, you’ll always find the way because you know the way is there. And if you keep the people you love close, anything is possible. 

Tarting up to see Toby

Tarting up…for who?

In the Marks and Spencer’s toilets yesterday I passed some elderly woman in front of the mirrors. One was applying some lipstick and brushing her hair, the other watching her, exclaimed ‘tarting up are you?’

‘Tarting up?! I’m not tarting up!!’ she exclaimed.

‘Yes you are’, the others joined in, ‘tarting up to see Toby!!’

Women never change. As soon as they can talk little girls beg to be dressed as fairies in beautiful dresses, before even reaching their teens girls are experimenting with a whole rainbow of lip-glosses and eye shadows, teens test how high they can wear their skirt, and women of all ages are forgoing a waitrose meal to buy the latest Clinique and Chanel. And men are forever left waiting outside toilets for the women to finish brushing their hair. Men of all ages. Women of all ages.

In our world where the media is one moment promoting beauty through beauty products, fashions and health tips, and the next minute criticising public advertising for having a negative effect on girls and causing a rise in anorexia, I ironically find myself questioning this.

Rather than blame the media for giving a negative, unrealistic view of female beauty, how about instead we accept that that is their job and ask ourselves, why is it we want to make ourselves beautiful? If you look into any eating disorder case, very few will root from a pure desire to look like the girl on the front cover of cosmo. Yes I wanted to be slim and therefore look like the girls in the magazines, but why did I want to be thin? Because my brother had died. Because I was being severely bullied. Because I felt ugly. I blamed myself, I felt like I was disgusting. I was interpreting the messages around me to mean that I was horrible.

And I, like every other girl, just wanted to be beautiful. Every girl, woman, and elderly woman wants to feel like she is beautiful, to feel it themselves, and to show the world that they are. It is an instinct we are born with. The science explains that we are born with the inbuilt duty to have children, and to do that we must attract men, and therefore we must be beautiful. But it is so, so much more than this. If a girl is not happy, if she is hurt, afraid or upset, she may feel empty. If she is feeling unloved or destroyed, she will blame her ugliness. And it is then that she will look around her for answers. The media are telling her that thin is beautiful, and so she diets.

But the real answer, the solution that will fill the void rather than cover it over, is to find the beauty from the inside. To realise that the pain you are feeling is not because you are ugly, it is because you are hurt or afraid. Every girl is beautiful. And if she feels it from the inside it will shine from the outside.  And if you are truly feeling beautiful you will be. Go and show the world. Dress yourself up, wear jewellery, and make-up; so long as it is because it is you giving yourself the care and worship you truly deserve.

If you are proud of a child or a friend, or if you simply love them, a woman responds with presents and care. So maybe the media is right. Treat yourself, because you’re worth it.

Tart up to see Toby.

Live as you would want your children to live

Imagine, for just one day, that you are your child. What would you do? What would you think? Where would you go?

Suddenly, does your imagination run wild? Do you imagine yourself doing everything? Do you feel a sense of freedom you have never felt before?

'Live as you would want your children to live' is not as daft as it may first sound. Our children are part of us, and we as human beings believe that they will have the same likes, loves, and dreams as us. We want them to have opportunities we never took up or had, we want them to have experiences we would love to have had. But why do we look to our (future) children to have and do what we wish we had done?

Because we do not put on to them our judgements and concerns. We do not live ourselves as we would want our children to live because we are afraid. Afraid of what people think, afraid of what people may say, afraid of the consequences. But deep down, we know that these fears are as empty as air, and that is why we are happy for our children to do it; because we take a backward step, an outer persepective, and we see that our own fears are meaningless.

Therefore, ditch the fears, ditch the self judgement, ditch the self hate: and take a leap. Do what deep down you want to do. Your children are not going to want to live how you want to live because they are not you. You are you. So its up to you to live it for you. No one else is going to do it for you. Only you.

My father is a geographer and I have no sense of direction. This is my point.

With love and warmth, Anna-Katharina xxx

London... and me.

London... Capital city, home of the Royals, fashion and media capital... no I don't live there, but yes I have an Oyster Card.

Public opinion would suggest that a girl of 19 years old, relatively worldly and familiar with London, would merge quite happily into the busy landscape that is England's capital... think again. Last week I was booked onto a 'How to get into Publishing' even at the Marie Claire HQs. Due to various holiday cancellations and rearrangements (too long, complicated and boring to justify an explanation) I ended up travelling to London with all the stuff I would need for not only the few days in London, but also everything for a family holiday to Kenya, the stuff at my uni home in Cardiff, plus the luggage I take around with me on a daily basis (Mary Poppins -esq). What resulted was I, waiting for the mega bus (scrimp on travel, splash out on designer clothing), accompanied by a wardrobe sized suitcase, 3 handbags, carrier bag for food and rubbish, jumpers and jackets for any weather changes between the two capitals, spare pair of shoes in hand luggage in case of emergencies, and dog (Alfie - fluffy dog rescued at a 'free to a good home, animal in need of love' sale).
Taking me in in one glance, the Indian bus driver asked, 'You have...err... your life with you?'.
'Yes' I replied, 'I'm Anna'. I shook his hand and smiled warmly. 'And this...', I said, gesturing to my enterage.. 'is my life'.
'I load', he replied. And so, in this style, Anna and bags made it to London.

I will skim over the parts of my trip that could be justified to have 'been ordinary', and I shall instead recall the parts which could only have happened to an inept and asking for trouble human being such as myself. In order to get to the publishing event, I had to take the tube from Sloane Square. As it was only supposed to take 20 mins, I decided to walk there from my aunt's flat. However, after about quarter of an hour it decided to deluge and so I opted for the bus. Within 30 seconds of this decision I had already managed to piss off most of the nearby population; tipping with rain, busy queue for the bus, oyster card rejected. While frantically rummaging in the Mary Poppin's bag for some change to pacify the annoyed (annoyed is an understatement but will do for the moment) bus driver, the queue was building up behind me.
'Where is it you want to go?', hissed the driver,
'Sloane Square', I smiled in sweet innocence. Disbelief crossed his face, he looked like he was torn between knowing whether to laugh or cry. 'Do you know where Sloane Square is?' he asked?
'I have no idea I'm afraid', I replied. Again, sweet innocence.
'Get on', came my answer. He dropped me off all of 30 seconds later... right outside the tube station . ahhh point taken.

The next two hours passed relatively uneventful, the publishing event was superb, and I made it back to the tube station in one piece. It was then when I received a phone call from my aunt, telling me to get off at Bond Street and take a cab to Home House, 20 Portman Square. I looked around me. Finding a cab on a pedestrianized street I could see was going to present some challenges, however unperturbed I set off confidently. After about 20 minutes I found a cab, and rejoicing at my discovery, gave him the address.
'Do you know where Portman Square is?', he asked me. Why was it drivers of public vehicles kept asking me this question. Um noo, but that is irrelevant. You're the one taking me, you're the one who needs to know where we're going mate. I'm merely the messenger, you're the deliverer. I took  a calming breath, bracing myself for whatever humiliation was to follow.
'No, I'm afraid I don't', came my well used reply.
'Ha, its easier to walk love. Its a 2 minute walk, just turn left at selfridges and you're there'. I might add that this conversation was taking place in the taxi stand on the road.... just by Selfridges main entrance.

Part 2 of my trip to London to follow... please keep posted.It is far from over, but better received in small doses.

Hen Parties

Waitressing at a hen party last night, I heard the bride to be confess that she was 'terrified'. In a quiet voice to her gathered friends and female members of her family, she admitted 'I'm dreading that moment when I walk in, when everyone looks at me'. This woman was beautiful, she was glowing with being in love and the excitement her future had in store for her, and she was surrounded by a big table of close family and friends.

Some of us are terrified of being in the limelight; we are scared of being judged and embarrassed, and so we hide away and merge into the shadows. But who is it we actually going to be judged by? Yes it is true that if one makes a bad entrance into a room, people may question you, and if you are rude they may decide to dislike you. But you and I know you were not planning to be rude when you enter that room, nor are you planning to bully everyone in there; you were merely planning to walk in and join in. So therefore, the judgement we so often fear is judgement from ourselves.

And we can take this away.

Why should we judge ourselves critically? A small piece of constructive criticism is arguably useful; that top is too slutty to wear it out so change, for example. But not this constant 'they don't want to look at you', 'why would they want to talk to you', 'they think you are ridiculous'. Time to ditch this. Instead, remind yourself that everyone else in that room is probably far more occupied judging themselves and worrying what you may be thinking of them! So compliment yourself before and as you walk in, believe you have a right to be there, believe people want to talk to you... and they will.

If the bride has the right to walk in to the church on her own wedding day, you have the right to be present, wherever you are.

Who am I?

Who am I? A question we often all ask ourselves. What am I doing? Where am I going? Before we can answer  any of these questions we need to be able to recognise ourselves. By that, I don't mean we need to look back over family photos and be able to point out to our grandchildren which one we are, but rather, I mean we need to know how to listen to our own voice. How many of us can walk into a room and want the world to turn and look? How many of us can answer a question about our own personal preference without inquiring the advice and opinions of those around us?

During my years with anorexia, I was stripped of everything. Not just my physical weight and curves, but my thoughts, my opinions, my decisions, my mind, even my memories. I had to be taught everything. I had to learn everything: how to eat, how to feel, how to think, how to run, how to sail, how to play, how to work. Most importantly, I had to learn how to listen to my own heart. How to truly feel, how to feel ok in my own skin... how to feel ok being me.

I write every day. It is my way of living with myself and of finding the true person I am. Sometimes I write in pain, sometimes I write with hilarity; but always, if I am looking for answers and looking for the way, my writing will give those answers. Writing, for me, is a way of holding up a mirror and seeing myself, someone I have neglected to the point that they became a stranger. I have chosen to blog because I want to encourage you to turn around and see yourself too; to stop looking for yourself and your answers in others, and instead to live life as you. As you, for you and in you.

With warmth and love, AnnaKatharina