When I'm old I shall wear Purple...

Possibly one of my (many!) favourite poems... I think there's something in this for everyone :)

Warning - When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple

By Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple

with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired

and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

and run my stick along the public railings

and make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

and pick the flowers in other people's gardens

and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

and eat three pounds of sausages at a go

or only bread and pickles for a week

and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

and pay our rent and not swear in the street

and set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Mountain or cave...

I get completely freaked out in small spaces or underground... so travelling around London on the underground,  going though any form of tunnel, being anywhere remotely claustrophobic is immensely traumatic not only for me but also for those around me as I seem to radiate this kind of psychotic terror. Put me on top of a mountain (metaphorically - I haven't climbed one yet!), or on a ski lift, or the top of a yacht mast, and I'm euphoric!


I've never looked into this too much - just assumed it was one of the many crazily wierd parts of me,until earlier today I was thinking... 


As the anorexia worsened, so did my claustrophobia... at the height of my illness I struggled to be in a car / classroom... anywhere I felt I could not get out. Although it lessened with recovery, it did not disappear but remained where it had been before I was ill. A fundamental part of any eating disorder is a terror of being out of control with your own life - and I was. The claustrophobia was terrible. Now I understand myself and am in control of my own life in a healthy way, and the claustrophobia is less, although an element is still there, almost as a warning.


Before today I saw all this as 'abnormally normal' and to an extent unhealthy, but then I thought... actually, is it healthy?


Imagine being on a fast train going through a dark tunnel. You don't know where its going or where you are, or even maybe which direction you're going in. Doesn't this feel a bit like life sometimes? Are you rushing around, pushing yourself to do what you think you should be doing without stopping,just for a moment, and asking yourself if this is what you want to be doing, if what you have is what you want from life?


Maybe its a good thing to have a slight fear of being trapped, of confined, dark spaces... if your life is feeling like this then its time to change.Get yourself to the top of the mountain where you can see - where you can be yourself and you can be free.


When I was in recovery, I was asked so so many times 'What do you want from life?'
And every time, I answered: 'To be happy. and healthy.'


I now have so much more in my life than I did then. But everything I do still abides by what I wanted then: it is what I want now, and it is what I want for my future: to be happy, and to be healthy.


What do you want from your life? Are you feeling free or are you feeling trapped?


Are you who you want to be? Your life isn't anyone elses, so break free of the darkness and climb towards the light and the air.


Love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina

Time to stay...

I remember once reading a book in which the main character (a young woman) read some advice for being with a woman in labour:
When she screams at you to go, that's when she needs you most.


I was reminded of this just now when I was having a 'bleeurrgghh' moment - I am currently having to gain a bit of weight having lost some and I have been having one of those days where the sheer volume of food feels just too much for one person... basically a 'fat' day! 


Interestingly, I wasn't wanting to be on my own and the idea of a couple of days with no lectures and my boyfriend and best friend both away is, frankly, terrifying. But then I thought, why am I so scared of my own company right now? I'm usually OK with it.


Then I realised it was because I was afraid of what I am feeling, afraid of being locked away with myself and feeling bleeurrgh - so I wanted to escape it all. When she screams at you to go, that is when she needs you most.  - when you least want to be around yourself, that is when you need your adult self most to nurture, encourage and soothe. 


Now I'm not saying company is bad - it is the most important element of human life!! But are you sometimes desperately seeking it to avoid yourself? Just ask yourself - are you happy being on your own for a day? Or is that too frightening to contemplate? If it is, then its time to sit down and start to look after yourself, and appreciate yourself.


I've done the whole weight gain before, I know how hard it is for someone with anorexia in their history... but I can't help myself by running away. I will feel a but ming for a while... but it will pass. 


Take a day just for yourself, do you even know yourself at all? Do you like what you know or are you trying to make it something different?


When she screams at you to go, that's when she needs you most,


So stay.


Love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina xxxx

Letting go...

Last night I had a nightmare - a flashback to the time with anorexia. I woke up shaking and unsettled, and struggled with breakfast, every mouthful I ate was ridden with guilt.


It wasn't until I had showered, dressed and was ready to leave for uni that I suddenly calmed down - it was only a dream. It was about the past, it wasn't now. Two years ago the guilt would have prevented me from finishing my breakfast, this morning I ignored the guilt and finished it.


We cannot be separated from our past - it is ours just as much as our bodies are, but it cannot affect us any more, it cannot hurt us. It is in the past, it is gone and you have only the memory of it. The memory may be painful, and it may not be happy, but it is only a memory.


Do not let the past restrict your present and your future. Learn from it, cherish it... then let it go. It was there to serve a purpose - to give you experience in order to be able to deal with the future. But don't let it continue to torment you: it doesn't define you any more, so let it go.


Just because I felt guilty for eating in the past, doesn't mean that I should now. 


And always remember...


Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery,
Today is a gift.


So enjoy it :)


Love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina

Remembering yourself

Hi,
Sorry its been so long since my last post - life has been manic but I promise they will be more regular from now on!
During Easter I went for a catch up session with my therapist and to discuss a few things. I ended up seeing her a few times, and it had transpired that I had lost quite a bit of weight; I was anxious and 'wobbly'. Now, I had had absolutely no intentions of losing that weight, no had I even realised I was anxious. But after one session I realised how out of tune I was with myself and my body. I was so anxious that the weight was dropping off, and what I thought were just 'niggles' in the back of my mind were actually causing my body severe stress.


I needed a good cry.


Its been a couple of weeks now and I am slowly getting myself back on track. It was a shock to me to realise how much I had lost touch from myself, and that was having major implications on my day to day living.


When we forget ourselves, forget to look after ourselves and to really care for ourselves, we will get lost. The world will become a frightening and threatening place, and we will feel terrified, confused and concerned. But if we look after ourselves, really stay in tune with how we're feeling, thinking and being, ensuring we are constantly grounded and firm in what we believe in and who we are, then the world becomes a clearer and friendlier place.


If you were looking after a small child in a big city, you wouldn't let go of their hand - you wouldn't let them get lost. So don't let go of the hand of the little girl or boy inside of you. They will always be a child, and it is your job to nurture and protect them.


Each one of you is perfect, each one of you has unique beliefs and ways of thinking and feeling that are right for you. Stay true to them, and you will never let yourself down.


love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina