Life... Live it.

I went to the doctors today in order to get a repeat prescription of a medical extra nutritional supplement I have been on since the early days of the anorexia. It was a Doctor I hadn't seen before as I have recently moved surgeries. Rather than just signing the repeat presecription form I had brough with me from my previous doctor, he called me in to his room and made me take a seat. After a few questions he looked at me and simply said:

''You're well now. You don't need medicines any more. Go, eat protein and get out of here. You have a life to lead!''

For so, so long the anorexia has been a part of me. Even since being discharged and announced well, part of me still didn't believe it. Some of us continue to cling on to something that does us damage simply because its what we are used to, what gives us regularity and confidence, what is famIiliar.

But if this thing that you are clinging on to is at all damaging, or at all not normal or unhealthy, ask yourself ';'what is it giving me? What am I gaining from this?' whether it is a stagnant relationship, an eating disorder, or a hair style, question it. If it is holding you back, or restricting you at all, make the mental decision to get rid of it. It IS NOT YOU.  You are not what you cling on to.

It is Doctor's advice: ''Get out of here, you have a life to lead''

Go and Live it xxxxxxx

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xxxxxxx

When you feel like giving up...

When I was at my absolute lowest, I was too scared to go to bed because I didn’t want to wake up and begin everything again. I was on the floor of my bedroom screaming in absolute terror. Everything was black, and I didn’t want to even open my eyes because I was scared to look at my reality. It would have been easier to give up.

 But then I opened my eyes and caught sight of a ‘la senza’ label sticking out of my pjamas on the floor. In that moment, I saw I had something worth fighting for. Somewhere in me was a fashionable girl with  a wonderful family and the potential for so much. There was something there to fight for. And because I could visualise the bear bones of the potential I had, I determined there and then to not turn away from life, but to turn to life. Somehow, I would get through everything the anorexia had thrown at me, I would somehow learn to eat again, somehow carry on. I had to make that mental decision to get well before any food was going to enter my stomach.

 When life gets tough, remember you have everything to live for. But only YOU can get yourself out of the rut. Only when you mentally switch around will you be able to deal with the issues facing you. Depression, guilt and worry will NOT going to help you solve the situation. You're not being a bad person if you become cheerful and optimistic about the situation. Refuse to let whatever it is get you depressed, and make the decisionto deal with it. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel despair. You should. You should feel your emotions; feel them, but don't be murdered by them. Acknowledge them, feel them, cry and cry and scream and scream. Then let go. Pain won't kill you, but depression may. Pain is there to be felt, and only by feeling can you heal. Depression won't help you feel or move on. 

Every day, no matter how black, how impossible, how dark m life felt, I was still breathing. And as long as you have breath, you have life. and you have the possibility to heal.

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina

RADIO PODCAST

RADIO PODCAST TO LISTEN: 
The programme 17/11/11 - about 1:22:00 (just before half way through)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p005xcn8

RADIO!!!

Just to let you all know I am going to be live on BBC Radio Devon tomorrow at 1.15pm-2pm.
The subject is anorexia and bullying... do tune in!!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00lgdr2
xxx

Am I Fat?

Being a blog about life after anorexia, or even life in general, you may be suprised that I have not yet mentioned weight / food / calories. It is true that anorexia is NOT about the weight or the food... is about much deeper of underlying insecurites, traumas and unhappiness. But we can't pretend its not involved, because it is. Weight and food obsessions are symptoms of the greater underlying causes.

So what to do when you're having a ''fat day''...

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself whether you are really twice the size you were yesterday... when it comes to weight being and feeling are very different things. Once you have established that you haven't grown into an elephant overnight, do some physical checks... are you on or about to have your period? have you eaten something that doesn't agree with you? are you feeling ill? All these things can make you feel as well as be physically bloated. If any of these are applicable I suggest a bath, hot water bottle, warm drink and lots of TLC!! If you still haven't found the answer, probe a little deeper... are you unhappy? Have you received some bad news? Have you been bullied? If you are feeling insecure or rubbish about yourself, it is easy, especially for girls, to instantly feel huge as it can be associated in our society-influenced minds with ugliness.

If you discover that you are feeling awful about yourself its time for a little bit of self love... you are ok, you do deserve to care for yourself, people do love you, and you are just having a bad day. Treat yourself to something, buy yourself a little treat, have a bath, listen to some nice music, call someone you know and love... all these things can make you feel better instantly and deflate the balloon you think you've become.

As a basis for all of this, if you find yourself constantly feeling fat I would take some physical action. Find out how much you weigh and whether this is healthy for a person of your gender and height. If it is healthy,carry on what you're doing and refer to the above. If its not healthy, seek some support. Go to the local nurse or pharmacist and ask for some advice. Whether its eating more, eating less, exercising more or exercising less, they are always happy to help.

If you know you are healthy you can always reason yourself out of the ''I'm fat'' belief and find out what the real matter is... so making you a much happier, confident and secure person. Another technique I find very helpful is getting to know yourself. If you know there is a certain way of looking at your body which makes you see yourself as fat, then avoid it on a bad day!! Find a way of looking at your body which you always like, and which, for you, shows you you are healthy and ok. On a bad day, only look at yourself in this angle... it will reassure you.

For example, on a ''fat day'', front on I think I look like a hot air balloon... but side on I know I'm Anna, I'm healthy, I'm ok... just bloated and grumpy.

Hope this helps!!

Love and warmth

Anna-Katharina xxx

Triggers

There are all sort of things that we come across every day that can trigger things from the past - a date of an anniversary, a particular spot where you met or lost a loved one, a smell that reminds you of a particular day in your childhood... and some of these triggers can be extremely uncomfortable.

Yesterday, I was cooked for by someone else, and the meal was far bigger than I was used to. I felt really full and bloated. Suddenly, the anorexia seemed to come flooding back and I was filled with a dreadful fear and guilt; I couldn't rest, I couldn't look myself in the mirror. I was terrified I'd wake up huge and worthless.

But I took a deep breath. I was not suffering from anorexia any more, being full did not mean I was worthless. This was simply a trigger, a reminder; it didn't mean what my mind was telling me it meant. A few frantic phonecalls to close friends later, and a small pep talk to myself I had calmed down.

There are some occurrences in every day life which will cause past traumas to resurface, past hurts to cause pain. But each time we do we just have to acknowledge them, feel them, and let them go. Don't be afraid of them, you've been there before, you are equipped to deal with them this time. Call on those you love and trust to help you, to support you and to be there. You don't have to do it alone.

Always remember who you are, where you've come from, where you're going, and who you've got going with you.

Love and warmth, xxxxxx

It will pass....

I'm sitting here, knowing it is time I wrote something here, but unsure what to say. Having gone out last night I am feeling tired, slightly sick still and unproductive. I am getting annoyed with myself for not using my morning to get things done, and in turn I am feeling guilty. 

But it will pass. I remember a very specific occasion with my therapist one day last year. I was in a bad place, extremely frightened and worried, in intense grief. I remember getting frustrated and angry that nothing she was saying was helping, and when this came across to her she stopped what she was saying, looked at me deep into the eyes and said, 'Always remember, it will pass.' Like medicine, these words calmed me instantly. 

Sometimes when things are bad and we are feeling rough, sad, bereaved or angry, we can be all too quick to blame ourselves, to hate the position we are in, to feel guilty or angry... and so making ourselves feel worse. Instead of questioning how bad you are feeling, instead of blaming yourself or trying to do something about it, just try going with it. Accept and acknowledge that you are feeling awful, but know that it will pass. Look after yourself, don't panic, don't be frightened of yourself. Just take a deep breath, and go with it.

Nothing stays the same, things always change. You may be sad/angry/guilty/tired/ill... but it will pass. All you need to do is to look after yourself, and hold on until it does pass.

Because it will.

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina xxxx