Mountain or cave...

I get completely freaked out in small spaces or underground... so travelling around London on the underground,  going though any form of tunnel, being anywhere remotely claustrophobic is immensely traumatic not only for me but also for those around me as I seem to radiate this kind of psychotic terror. Put me on top of a mountain (metaphorically - I haven't climbed one yet!), or on a ski lift, or the top of a yacht mast, and I'm euphoric!


I've never looked into this too much - just assumed it was one of the many crazily wierd parts of me,until earlier today I was thinking... 


As the anorexia worsened, so did my claustrophobia... at the height of my illness I struggled to be in a car / classroom... anywhere I felt I could not get out. Although it lessened with recovery, it did not disappear but remained where it had been before I was ill. A fundamental part of any eating disorder is a terror of being out of control with your own life - and I was. The claustrophobia was terrible. Now I understand myself and am in control of my own life in a healthy way, and the claustrophobia is less, although an element is still there, almost as a warning.


Before today I saw all this as 'abnormally normal' and to an extent unhealthy, but then I thought... actually, is it healthy?


Imagine being on a fast train going through a dark tunnel. You don't know where its going or where you are, or even maybe which direction you're going in. Doesn't this feel a bit like life sometimes? Are you rushing around, pushing yourself to do what you think you should be doing without stopping,just for a moment, and asking yourself if this is what you want to be doing, if what you have is what you want from life?


Maybe its a good thing to have a slight fear of being trapped, of confined, dark spaces... if your life is feeling like this then its time to change.Get yourself to the top of the mountain where you can see - where you can be yourself and you can be free.


When I was in recovery, I was asked so so many times 'What do you want from life?'
And every time, I answered: 'To be happy. and healthy.'


I now have so much more in my life than I did then. But everything I do still abides by what I wanted then: it is what I want now, and it is what I want for my future: to be happy, and to be healthy.


What do you want from your life? Are you feeling free or are you feeling trapped?


Are you who you want to be? Your life isn't anyone elses, so break free of the darkness and climb towards the light and the air.


Love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina