When I was at my absolute lowest, I was too scared to go to bed because I didn’t want to wake up and begin everything again. I was on the floor of my bedroom screaming in absolute terror. Everything was black, and I didn’t want to even open my eyes because I was scared to look at my reality. It would have been easier to give up.
But then I opened my eyes and caught sight of a ‘la senza’ label sticking out of my pjamas on the floor. In that moment, I saw I had something worth fighting for. Somewhere in me was a fashionable girl with a wonderful family and the potential for so much. There was something there to fight for. And because I could visualise the bear bones of the potential I had, I determined there and then to not turn away from life, but to turn to life. Somehow, I would get through everything the anorexia had thrown at me, I would somehow learn to eat again, somehow carry on. I had to make that mental decision to get well before any food was going to enter my stomach.
When life gets tough, remember you have everything to live for. But only YOU can get yourself out of the rut. Only when you mentally switch around will you be able to deal with the issues facing you. Depression, guilt and worry will NOT going to help you solve the situation. You're not being a bad person if you become cheerful and optimistic about the situation. Refuse to let whatever it is get you depressed, and make the decisionto deal with it.
I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel despair. You should. You should feel your emotions; feel them, but don't be murdered by them. Acknowledge them, feel them, cry and cry and scream and scream. Then let go. Pain won't kill you, but depression may. Pain is there to be felt, and only by feeling can you heal. Depression won't help you feel or move on.
Every day, no matter how black, how impossible, how dark m life felt, I was still breathing. And as long as you have breath, you have life. and you have the possibility to heal.
Love and warmth,
Anna-Katharina
No comments:
Post a Comment