Letting go and holding on... Happy New Year

A whole new year… fresh starts, new beginnings.

Everyone is full of making new year’s resolutions of the kind that will last a day, possibly two: diets / exercise regimes / cleaning rotas / spring cleaning aims… the list is endless. I don’t think I have ever made a new year’s resolution in my life… because I make them every day, or rather, I have made them every day. I have constantly wanted  to change myself, be something different, look different, act different.

But this year, I have made a new year’s resolution: to be me. I am 20 in just under three weeks’ time. I am done with living for other people, trying to fit other peoples ideals, trying to please people. I have spent the last six years journeying, battling, fighting to find myself. At my lowest moments the thing which kept me going was knowing that I was at the end of the journey. Once the battle had been fought, the me who had been so suppressed would be there, waiting.

We are always journeying, but that particular route has been travelled now. It is time for a new journey, a new road, a new direction: as me.

So this year, I am not only going to take hold of something new, I am also going to let go of something. I am going to let go of living how other people want, trying to be something and someone I’m not. And instead, I am going to live for me.

As me. And for me.

What are you going to let go of this year?

And what are you going to take hold of?

Lots of love, and a very HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all.

Anna-Katharina xxxx

Merry Christmas :)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS
NADOLIG LLAWEN

Lots of love to all, hope you've all had a wonderful day.

xxxxxxx

How to cope with Christmas

Many people ask me how to cope with Christmas. For someone with an eating disorder, Christmas is hell wrapped up in a day and secured with ribbon: food at every turn and a massive meal to try and fit in… an anorexic’s worst nightmare.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Believe it or not, Christmas is NOT about food. It is about a little boy being born into the world as a saviour, and as such, it is about family, it is about sharing, it is about love. You are not going to be living with an eating disorder for the rest of your life, but you are going to have Christmas for the rest of your life. So DON’T make Christmas anorexic/bulimic etc.

Instead, accept that while you’re ill, you are going to have to change Christmas a bit. The most important thing is that you are relaxed and happy and this is not going to happen if you are filled with guilt about the food you’re eating. So, just while you are ill, arrange with those you are sharing Christmas with to have what feels ok for you, even if it is exactly the same as you have on a normal day. This way, you will feel relaxed and will be able to focus on and enjoy the true values of Christmas: sharing, love, family and Christianity. For example, when I was ill, I couldn’t cope with eating at odd times, and so instead of a late lunch, my family changed it so we had our Christmas meal at the time I would normally have my dinner, and I didn’t have to have all the trimmings, so again, I could mentally cope with the meal. This year, everything is back to normal meal wise, how it always used to be, it is only the church, presents and people who have remained the same, and always will.

Don’t forget what Christmas is about. Desocciate from food, and instead think of it as a chance to see who you are, what your values are, and what you want to be with you for the rest of your life. I want to bet the answers are friends and family, not your eating disorder.

All my love, a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year J

Anna-Katharina xxxxxxxx

That wonderful moment when...

I had a wonderful moment today when a realisation formed itself into words...

the realisation that your life is your own.

Now this may sound like I'm being ridiculous, that I am stating the obvious, but think about it. How often each day do you think 'I should be doing this' / 'I can't do that because...' / 'I wish that...'
We think these things because we all have the tendency to model our lives on other people, and the wants of other people, and the dreams other people (family for example) have for us.

But instead of thinking, ''what do they want...'' , think, ''what do I want?'' In your heart of hearts how do you want your life to be? Its yours,no-one elses. You can do with it EXACTLY what YOU choose. Don't waste time copying someone else or trying to design your hair / looks / lifestyle on someone else. Your life is yours.

Feel the freedom, release, and go.

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina xxxxx

Life... Live it.

I went to the doctors today in order to get a repeat prescription of a medical extra nutritional supplement I have been on since the early days of the anorexia. It was a Doctor I hadn't seen before as I have recently moved surgeries. Rather than just signing the repeat presecription form I had brough with me from my previous doctor, he called me in to his room and made me take a seat. After a few questions he looked at me and simply said:

''You're well now. You don't need medicines any more. Go, eat protein and get out of here. You have a life to lead!''

For so, so long the anorexia has been a part of me. Even since being discharged and announced well, part of me still didn't believe it. Some of us continue to cling on to something that does us damage simply because its what we are used to, what gives us regularity and confidence, what is famIiliar.

But if this thing that you are clinging on to is at all damaging, or at all not normal or unhealthy, ask yourself ';'what is it giving me? What am I gaining from this?' whether it is a stagnant relationship, an eating disorder, or a hair style, question it. If it is holding you back, or restricting you at all, make the mental decision to get rid of it. It IS NOT YOU.  You are not what you cling on to.

It is Doctor's advice: ''Get out of here, you have a life to lead''

Go and Live it xxxxxxx

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xxxxxxx

When you feel like giving up...

When I was at my absolute lowest, I was too scared to go to bed because I didn’t want to wake up and begin everything again. I was on the floor of my bedroom screaming in absolute terror. Everything was black, and I didn’t want to even open my eyes because I was scared to look at my reality. It would have been easier to give up.

 But then I opened my eyes and caught sight of a ‘la senza’ label sticking out of my pjamas on the floor. In that moment, I saw I had something worth fighting for. Somewhere in me was a fashionable girl with  a wonderful family and the potential for so much. There was something there to fight for. And because I could visualise the bear bones of the potential I had, I determined there and then to not turn away from life, but to turn to life. Somehow, I would get through everything the anorexia had thrown at me, I would somehow learn to eat again, somehow carry on. I had to make that mental decision to get well before any food was going to enter my stomach.

 When life gets tough, remember you have everything to live for. But only YOU can get yourself out of the rut. Only when you mentally switch around will you be able to deal with the issues facing you. Depression, guilt and worry will NOT going to help you solve the situation. You're not being a bad person if you become cheerful and optimistic about the situation. Refuse to let whatever it is get you depressed, and make the decisionto deal with it. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel despair. You should. You should feel your emotions; feel them, but don't be murdered by them. Acknowledge them, feel them, cry and cry and scream and scream. Then let go. Pain won't kill you, but depression may. Pain is there to be felt, and only by feeling can you heal. Depression won't help you feel or move on. 

Every day, no matter how black, how impossible, how dark m life felt, I was still breathing. And as long as you have breath, you have life. and you have the possibility to heal.

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina