Cosmopolitan Blog Awards - PLEASE NOMINATE

Please nominate my blog / vote for it in the Cosmopolitan blog award (see link below).. the more people that know about the reality behind eating disorders and the TRUTH, the more lives can be saved.


http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/blogs/cosmo-blog-awards-2012/cosmo-blog-awards-2012_nominate


Thank you,


Love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina

When to think and when to feel...

When I was ill I couldn’t think. My body was so malnourished that it didn’t have the energy: think of your body like a load of switches (e.g. thinking / keeping warm / fertility)…as food declines these switches become switched off one by one to preserve energy until you are left simply breathing, so just about staying alive.

The only way I can describe not being able to think is like when you are struggling over a really hard maths question and your brain freezes… its like this only a thousand times worse. So because of this, I couldn’t recover by thinking – I had to recover by feeling as that’s all I had to go on. I had to learn (for the first time in my life) how to really tune in to what I was feeling, and this meant acknowledging parts of me which I had ignored and suppressed for so, so long. It sounds blind – it felt blind, but it got me to where I am today.

Recovering from anorexia through years and years of therapy and finally being happy does not mean happiness every day – I get as angry / depressed /jealous / miserable as anybody… but I never ever suppress what I am feeling any more, I acknowledge everything and know that all feelings are ok. This means I have a fundamental assurance in myself and I am not afraid of myself. I am not afraid of sadness  / anger / grief, horrid though they are, and this really is an incredible reality.

I lived by feeling, I recovered by feeling, and I make decisions by feeling… and trust me life is so much better this way. Don’t go against everything you feel because of what your head is telling you… as soon as you hear a ‘but’ that’s a sure sign your head is intervening. Always go by what you really feel… what is right one day may be wrong another, but don’t live one wrong day in the hope that two wrongs will eventually make a right. If you always go with what you feel is right, then everything will always work I promise.

You wouldn’t take put your jumper on if you felt hot because you thought the sun was going to go in…wait until the sun has gone in and then put it on.

Love and warmth

Anna-Katharina

I starved, but not because of the media

Last week Vogue announced that they would no longer use ‘too skinny’ models. Being someone who suffered from anorexia for five years I should perhaps have been delighted with this…but was I? No: quite frankly I was livid and I was hurt. No matter how many pictures they removed from their magazines, they could not give me back all those years I lost to the cruel illness. In fact, even if those pictures had not even been published in the first place I still would not have had my adolescence.Because anorexia is not caused by the media.No – it is the media who starves the world of the truth of anorexia.At 16 I was in hospital: I was critically underweight, severely malnourished and terrified… and not once in my life had I even bought a glossy mag. Yet I walked through school and hospital, blinded by the anorexia and surrounded by people who assumed I simply had a desire to be as thin as the models in magazines. How can she want to be that skinny? She’s being ridiculous she should just eat. Doesn’t she know all those pictures are airbrushed anyway?
My brother died when I was two and a half years old.I was severely bullied for 14 years.I was living with 16 years of suppressed grief, anxiety, confusion and a scuppered emotional development. I had no self-esteem, I was filled with self-loathing, I felt worthless, I believed I was a mistake – not as good as everybody else. All I wanted was to be happy, so I decided to be thin because I believed it would make everything ok. Almost overnight, food became associated in my mind with worthlessness, guilt and depression, whilst losing weight gave me a kick as I believed every pound lost brought me one step closer to that happiness. As I lost weight, my body began to shut down and thinking required too much energy, so it was abandoned. My brain sealed all meanings into what it could last remember: food was bad, no food was good. As clear as black and white. I did not have the energy to reason against it; I knew my goal: to be happy and to leave the worthlessness behind.That is why I was ill, that is why I was infertile for so long: not because I was envious of Victoria Beckham, but because I had a lifetime of trauma to acknowledge and feel.I have found this article difficult to write, as while on the one hand I want to stress that it is not the media which causes anorexia, I am not for one moment excusing them. Of course it is wrong that they are using underweight models, but isn’t that just common sense? Shouldn’t it be obvious that the beauty industry of a first world country should be promoting healthy models rather than those who are suffering from hair loss, memory loss, infertility, osteoporosis, chronic fatigue and heart failure because of their low weight?So where does the media come in?Even though I had not touched a glossy mag in my life, the legacy from the magazines penetrates girls, women and guys everywhere. I may not have seen the most recent Vogue, but I was attending school every day where society’s belief that thinness equates to happiness penetrated the very seams. So when I yearned to be free of the trauma and grief that had been my life ever since I could remember, I chose thinness.My therapist once presented me with lots of cut outs of women from magazines and asked me to sort them into two piles: underweight and healthy. With ease I quickly sorted the piles… 46: 4 – healthy: underweight. My therapist then re-sorted them: 3: 47 – healthy: underweight. How wrong I was. She taught me how to recognise if someone was underweight: a gap between the tops of their legs where flesh should be, arms like twigs in winter, hip bones visible. Pretty much all the women illustrated then. How is this beautiful??! Magazines are effectively brochures of infertile women with osteoporosis who would collapse if made to walk anywhere. The media does not cause anorexia, it illustrates it.Believing that thin models cause eating disorders is like believing that reducing the price of fruit and veg cures cancer. It may make one life one percent easier but it’s not going to solve anything. I starved because I believed it would take away my pain, not because I wanted to be stick thin. So let’s just use our common sense: only use healthy models, and work to understand the truth of eating disorders: the abuse, hurt and grief behind the starving eyes. They are hungry for a life they can call their own, not to headline Vogue. 

Kate Middleton

Like probably 99.9% of the female population of Britain, Kate Middleton is my new heroine and role model. It is not because she is beautiful, or with the perfect figure, or the most gorgeous smile (although she is and has all of that), but it is because she has a radiance which comes from a beautiful confidence in herself.


Kate knows herself inside out, she is confident in who she is, she is happy about who she is, she loves her family, her husband, and puts 100% into everything she does... and this is shown in her beauty - this is the reason she is so beautiful and why millions of people across the world love her.


When I was in recovery I had my own mantra: 'Eat and be beautiful.' Even now, I refer back to it whenever I'm struggling or down. If I could have the confidence to eat, and felt happy in what I was doing, I knew that it would give me that sort of glow that nothing else can. 


It takes courage to be confident, but all of us can be. We are constantly afraid of what people think of us and how we look and seem to others. Kate has the world watching her, and yet she holds her head high, shoulders back, and is happy with the person she is...the result? I don't think I've ever read a bad word about her.


We can all be like Kate, maybe not royal or Britain's future Queen... but we can all hold that beauty, that pride and that love. 


Every girl wants to be a princess, and every guy wants (at least secretly) to be a prince... or a knight in shining armour! so go on, be one, for just one day - if you believe you're one, you'll look like one :) Go follow Kate :)


Love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina xxx

When I'm old I shall wear Purple...

Possibly one of my (many!) favourite poems... I think there's something in this for everyone :)

Warning - When I Am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple

By Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple

with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired

and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

and run my stick along the public railings

and make up for the sobriety of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

and pick the flowers in other people's gardens

and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

and eat three pounds of sausages at a go

or only bread and pickles for a week

and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

and pay our rent and not swear in the street

and set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Mountain or cave...

I get completely freaked out in small spaces or underground... so travelling around London on the underground,  going though any form of tunnel, being anywhere remotely claustrophobic is immensely traumatic not only for me but also for those around me as I seem to radiate this kind of psychotic terror. Put me on top of a mountain (metaphorically - I haven't climbed one yet!), or on a ski lift, or the top of a yacht mast, and I'm euphoric!


I've never looked into this too much - just assumed it was one of the many crazily wierd parts of me,until earlier today I was thinking... 


As the anorexia worsened, so did my claustrophobia... at the height of my illness I struggled to be in a car / classroom... anywhere I felt I could not get out. Although it lessened with recovery, it did not disappear but remained where it had been before I was ill. A fundamental part of any eating disorder is a terror of being out of control with your own life - and I was. The claustrophobia was terrible. Now I understand myself and am in control of my own life in a healthy way, and the claustrophobia is less, although an element is still there, almost as a warning.


Before today I saw all this as 'abnormally normal' and to an extent unhealthy, but then I thought... actually, is it healthy?


Imagine being on a fast train going through a dark tunnel. You don't know where its going or where you are, or even maybe which direction you're going in. Doesn't this feel a bit like life sometimes? Are you rushing around, pushing yourself to do what you think you should be doing without stopping,just for a moment, and asking yourself if this is what you want to be doing, if what you have is what you want from life?


Maybe its a good thing to have a slight fear of being trapped, of confined, dark spaces... if your life is feeling like this then its time to change.Get yourself to the top of the mountain where you can see - where you can be yourself and you can be free.


When I was in recovery, I was asked so so many times 'What do you want from life?'
And every time, I answered: 'To be happy. and healthy.'


I now have so much more in my life than I did then. But everything I do still abides by what I wanted then: it is what I want now, and it is what I want for my future: to be happy, and to be healthy.


What do you want from your life? Are you feeling free or are you feeling trapped?


Are you who you want to be? Your life isn't anyone elses, so break free of the darkness and climb towards the light and the air.


Love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina

Time to stay...

I remember once reading a book in which the main character (a young woman) read some advice for being with a woman in labour:
When she screams at you to go, that's when she needs you most.


I was reminded of this just now when I was having a 'bleeurrgghh' moment - I am currently having to gain a bit of weight having lost some and I have been having one of those days where the sheer volume of food feels just too much for one person... basically a 'fat' day! 


Interestingly, I wasn't wanting to be on my own and the idea of a couple of days with no lectures and my boyfriend and best friend both away is, frankly, terrifying. But then I thought, why am I so scared of my own company right now? I'm usually OK with it.


Then I realised it was because I was afraid of what I am feeling, afraid of being locked away with myself and feeling bleeurrgh - so I wanted to escape it all. When she screams at you to go, that is when she needs you most.  - when you least want to be around yourself, that is when you need your adult self most to nurture, encourage and soothe. 


Now I'm not saying company is bad - it is the most important element of human life!! But are you sometimes desperately seeking it to avoid yourself? Just ask yourself - are you happy being on your own for a day? Or is that too frightening to contemplate? If it is, then its time to sit down and start to look after yourself, and appreciate yourself.


I've done the whole weight gain before, I know how hard it is for someone with anorexia in their history... but I can't help myself by running away. I will feel a but ming for a while... but it will pass. 


Take a day just for yourself, do you even know yourself at all? Do you like what you know or are you trying to make it something different?


When she screams at you to go, that's when she needs you most,


So stay.


Love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina xxxx

Letting go...

Last night I had a nightmare - a flashback to the time with anorexia. I woke up shaking and unsettled, and struggled with breakfast, every mouthful I ate was ridden with guilt.


It wasn't until I had showered, dressed and was ready to leave for uni that I suddenly calmed down - it was only a dream. It was about the past, it wasn't now. Two years ago the guilt would have prevented me from finishing my breakfast, this morning I ignored the guilt and finished it.


We cannot be separated from our past - it is ours just as much as our bodies are, but it cannot affect us any more, it cannot hurt us. It is in the past, it is gone and you have only the memory of it. The memory may be painful, and it may not be happy, but it is only a memory.


Do not let the past restrict your present and your future. Learn from it, cherish it... then let it go. It was there to serve a purpose - to give you experience in order to be able to deal with the future. But don't let it continue to torment you: it doesn't define you any more, so let it go.


Just because I felt guilty for eating in the past, doesn't mean that I should now. 


And always remember...


Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery,
Today is a gift.


So enjoy it :)


Love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina

Remembering yourself

Hi,
Sorry its been so long since my last post - life has been manic but I promise they will be more regular from now on!
During Easter I went for a catch up session with my therapist and to discuss a few things. I ended up seeing her a few times, and it had transpired that I had lost quite a bit of weight; I was anxious and 'wobbly'. Now, I had had absolutely no intentions of losing that weight, no had I even realised I was anxious. But after one session I realised how out of tune I was with myself and my body. I was so anxious that the weight was dropping off, and what I thought were just 'niggles' in the back of my mind were actually causing my body severe stress.


I needed a good cry.


Its been a couple of weeks now and I am slowly getting myself back on track. It was a shock to me to realise how much I had lost touch from myself, and that was having major implications on my day to day living.


When we forget ourselves, forget to look after ourselves and to really care for ourselves, we will get lost. The world will become a frightening and threatening place, and we will feel terrified, confused and concerned. But if we look after ourselves, really stay in tune with how we're feeling, thinking and being, ensuring we are constantly grounded and firm in what we believe in and who we are, then the world becomes a clearer and friendlier place.


If you were looking after a small child in a big city, you wouldn't let go of their hand - you wouldn't let them get lost. So don't let go of the hand of the little girl or boy inside of you. They will always be a child, and it is your job to nurture and protect them.


Each one of you is perfect, each one of you has unique beliefs and ways of thinking and feeling that are right for you. Stay true to them, and you will never let yourself down.


love and warmth,


Anna-Katharina

KILIMANJARO CLIMB FOR B-EAT

KILIMANJARO CLIMB FOR B-EAT

When I was 16 years old I raised £3000 to go on a month long World Challenge expedition to Kenya. The trip was to include voluntary work, a safari, cultural experience, and centrally a climb of Mount Kenya.

I never went.

In July 2008, when I would have gone on the expedition, I was in hospital: I was critically underweight, severely malnourished, and fighting for my life. I had anorexia nervosa.

Four years on, after a gruelling battle against the illness, and I have made a wonderful and precious recovery. In September 2012 I will be climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania, the neighbouring country to Kenya, to raise money for B-EAT, the charity for Eating Disorders. It is will also be my way of truly conquering the disease. Eating disorders are cruel, life-threatening and widely misunderstood.

Please sponsor me. You could save lives.

How to sponsor me:

http://www.justgiving.com/Anna4Kili

Thank you,

Anna-Katharina Caseldine

                            

Letting go and holding on... Happy New Year

A whole new year… fresh starts, new beginnings.

Everyone is full of making new year’s resolutions of the kind that will last a day, possibly two: diets / exercise regimes / cleaning rotas / spring cleaning aims… the list is endless. I don’t think I have ever made a new year’s resolution in my life… because I make them every day, or rather, I have made them every day. I have constantly wanted  to change myself, be something different, look different, act different.

But this year, I have made a new year’s resolution: to be me. I am 20 in just under three weeks’ time. I am done with living for other people, trying to fit other peoples ideals, trying to please people. I have spent the last six years journeying, battling, fighting to find myself. At my lowest moments the thing which kept me going was knowing that I was at the end of the journey. Once the battle had been fought, the me who had been so suppressed would be there, waiting.

We are always journeying, but that particular route has been travelled now. It is time for a new journey, a new road, a new direction: as me.

So this year, I am not only going to take hold of something new, I am also going to let go of something. I am going to let go of living how other people want, trying to be something and someone I’m not. And instead, I am going to live for me.

As me. And for me.

What are you going to let go of this year?

And what are you going to take hold of?

Lots of love, and a very HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all.

Anna-Katharina xxxx

Merry Christmas :)

HAPPY CHRISTMAS
NADOLIG LLAWEN

Lots of love to all, hope you've all had a wonderful day.

xxxxxxx

How to cope with Christmas

Many people ask me how to cope with Christmas. For someone with an eating disorder, Christmas is hell wrapped up in a day and secured with ribbon: food at every turn and a massive meal to try and fit in… an anorexic’s worst nightmare.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Believe it or not, Christmas is NOT about food. It is about a little boy being born into the world as a saviour, and as such, it is about family, it is about sharing, it is about love. You are not going to be living with an eating disorder for the rest of your life, but you are going to have Christmas for the rest of your life. So DON’T make Christmas anorexic/bulimic etc.

Instead, accept that while you’re ill, you are going to have to change Christmas a bit. The most important thing is that you are relaxed and happy and this is not going to happen if you are filled with guilt about the food you’re eating. So, just while you are ill, arrange with those you are sharing Christmas with to have what feels ok for you, even if it is exactly the same as you have on a normal day. This way, you will feel relaxed and will be able to focus on and enjoy the true values of Christmas: sharing, love, family and Christianity. For example, when I was ill, I couldn’t cope with eating at odd times, and so instead of a late lunch, my family changed it so we had our Christmas meal at the time I would normally have my dinner, and I didn’t have to have all the trimmings, so again, I could mentally cope with the meal. This year, everything is back to normal meal wise, how it always used to be, it is only the church, presents and people who have remained the same, and always will.

Don’t forget what Christmas is about. Desocciate from food, and instead think of it as a chance to see who you are, what your values are, and what you want to be with you for the rest of your life. I want to bet the answers are friends and family, not your eating disorder.

All my love, a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year J

Anna-Katharina xxxxxxxx

That wonderful moment when...

I had a wonderful moment today when a realisation formed itself into words...

the realisation that your life is your own.

Now this may sound like I'm being ridiculous, that I am stating the obvious, but think about it. How often each day do you think 'I should be doing this' / 'I can't do that because...' / 'I wish that...'
We think these things because we all have the tendency to model our lives on other people, and the wants of other people, and the dreams other people (family for example) have for us.

But instead of thinking, ''what do they want...'' , think, ''what do I want?'' In your heart of hearts how do you want your life to be? Its yours,no-one elses. You can do with it EXACTLY what YOU choose. Don't waste time copying someone else or trying to design your hair / looks / lifestyle on someone else. Your life is yours.

Feel the freedom, release, and go.

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina xxxxx

Life... Live it.

I went to the doctors today in order to get a repeat prescription of a medical extra nutritional supplement I have been on since the early days of the anorexia. It was a Doctor I hadn't seen before as I have recently moved surgeries. Rather than just signing the repeat presecription form I had brough with me from my previous doctor, he called me in to his room and made me take a seat. After a few questions he looked at me and simply said:

''You're well now. You don't need medicines any more. Go, eat protein and get out of here. You have a life to lead!''

For so, so long the anorexia has been a part of me. Even since being discharged and announced well, part of me still didn't believe it. Some of us continue to cling on to something that does us damage simply because its what we are used to, what gives us regularity and confidence, what is famIiliar.

But if this thing that you are clinging on to is at all damaging, or at all not normal or unhealthy, ask yourself ';'what is it giving me? What am I gaining from this?' whether it is a stagnant relationship, an eating disorder, or a hair style, question it. If it is holding you back, or restricting you at all, make the mental decision to get rid of it. It IS NOT YOU.  You are not what you cling on to.

It is Doctor's advice: ''Get out of here, you have a life to lead''

Go and Live it xxxxxxx

TWITTER!!

Follow me on Twitter!! @AnnaKatharina17

xxxxxxx

When you feel like giving up...

When I was at my absolute lowest, I was too scared to go to bed because I didn’t want to wake up and begin everything again. I was on the floor of my bedroom screaming in absolute terror. Everything was black, and I didn’t want to even open my eyes because I was scared to look at my reality. It would have been easier to give up.

 But then I opened my eyes and caught sight of a ‘la senza’ label sticking out of my pjamas on the floor. In that moment, I saw I had something worth fighting for. Somewhere in me was a fashionable girl with  a wonderful family and the potential for so much. There was something there to fight for. And because I could visualise the bear bones of the potential I had, I determined there and then to not turn away from life, but to turn to life. Somehow, I would get through everything the anorexia had thrown at me, I would somehow learn to eat again, somehow carry on. I had to make that mental decision to get well before any food was going to enter my stomach.

 When life gets tough, remember you have everything to live for. But only YOU can get yourself out of the rut. Only when you mentally switch around will you be able to deal with the issues facing you. Depression, guilt and worry will NOT going to help you solve the situation. You're not being a bad person if you become cheerful and optimistic about the situation. Refuse to let whatever it is get you depressed, and make the decisionto deal with it. 

I'm not saying that we shouldn't feel despair. You should. You should feel your emotions; feel them, but don't be murdered by them. Acknowledge them, feel them, cry and cry and scream and scream. Then let go. Pain won't kill you, but depression may. Pain is there to be felt, and only by feeling can you heal. Depression won't help you feel or move on. 

Every day, no matter how black, how impossible, how dark m life felt, I was still breathing. And as long as you have breath, you have life. and you have the possibility to heal.

Love and warmth,

Anna-Katharina

RADIO PODCAST

RADIO PODCAST TO LISTEN: 
The programme 17/11/11 - about 1:22:00 (just before half way through)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p005xcn8

RADIO!!!

Just to let you all know I am going to be live on BBC Radio Devon tomorrow at 1.15pm-2pm.
The subject is anorexia and bullying... do tune in!!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00lgdr2
xxx

Am I Fat?

Being a blog about life after anorexia, or even life in general, you may be suprised that I have not yet mentioned weight / food / calories. It is true that anorexia is NOT about the weight or the food... is about much deeper of underlying insecurites, traumas and unhappiness. But we can't pretend its not involved, because it is. Weight and food obsessions are symptoms of the greater underlying causes.

So what to do when you're having a ''fat day''...

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself whether you are really twice the size you were yesterday... when it comes to weight being and feeling are very different things. Once you have established that you haven't grown into an elephant overnight, do some physical checks... are you on or about to have your period? have you eaten something that doesn't agree with you? are you feeling ill? All these things can make you feel as well as be physically bloated. If any of these are applicable I suggest a bath, hot water bottle, warm drink and lots of TLC!! If you still haven't found the answer, probe a little deeper... are you unhappy? Have you received some bad news? Have you been bullied? If you are feeling insecure or rubbish about yourself, it is easy, especially for girls, to instantly feel huge as it can be associated in our society-influenced minds with ugliness.

If you discover that you are feeling awful about yourself its time for a little bit of self love... you are ok, you do deserve to care for yourself, people do love you, and you are just having a bad day. Treat yourself to something, buy yourself a little treat, have a bath, listen to some nice music, call someone you know and love... all these things can make you feel better instantly and deflate the balloon you think you've become.

As a basis for all of this, if you find yourself constantly feeling fat I would take some physical action. Find out how much you weigh and whether this is healthy for a person of your gender and height. If it is healthy,carry on what you're doing and refer to the above. If its not healthy, seek some support. Go to the local nurse or pharmacist and ask for some advice. Whether its eating more, eating less, exercising more or exercising less, they are always happy to help.

If you know you are healthy you can always reason yourself out of the ''I'm fat'' belief and find out what the real matter is... so making you a much happier, confident and secure person. Another technique I find very helpful is getting to know yourself. If you know there is a certain way of looking at your body which makes you see yourself as fat, then avoid it on a bad day!! Find a way of looking at your body which you always like, and which, for you, shows you you are healthy and ok. On a bad day, only look at yourself in this angle... it will reassure you.

For example, on a ''fat day'', front on I think I look like a hot air balloon... but side on I know I'm Anna, I'm healthy, I'm ok... just bloated and grumpy.

Hope this helps!!

Love and warmth

Anna-Katharina xxx